That moment you realize you don't belong anywhere...

"I don't feel that I belong anywhere. Or rather, if there's a place I belong, I don't feel I'm there." 

When you wake up to a nasty rainy day outside. Your legs hurting. You know that this day will bring challenges that you don't want to face. Medicine you don't want to take but need. Checking your email to only find that your doctor has orded yet another spinal tap. My heart literally hurt reading the email...

Flashback to the first spinal tap that was done:

I went in thinking that we would for sure have answers. 

I went in scared but Jesus provided an amazing nurse who held my hand through it all.

A doctor that was so settle and who even said "Dr.Mike is a smart guy. He'll figure this out. Don't worry!"

Two weeks later...

I would be sitting at my desk while getting that call for results.

"Your results came back all normal. We are so sorry that this didn't give you any answers."

No words can explain the amount of pain that my heart felt. 

Later that day and little did I know that a small child would break me down while at snack.

"Miss.Chelsi do you get sad?"

"I do. Do you?"

"I do but can we pray?"

"Sure!"

"Dear Jesus help my doggy because he had a green heart and just died. I love him so much Jesus. Keep him safe until I see him again. I love you so much Jesus! Amen."

As I left teaching months ago and truly do believe Jesus was calling me other places. 

That place ended up being CFA. 

Fresh start. So much laughter and joy fills that building. 

Latley, I just don't know where my heart is. 

"What's your plans looking at ten years down the road?"

My answer this past weekend was "Chick-fil-a"

My response I got was "Your just going to stay at Chick-fil-a for the rest of your life? Great. So your going to be nothing in life is what your telling us?" 

"Chelsi guys aren't going to want to date you if your just settling at Chick-fil-a."

This past weekend I heard 

"I think I just want to be friends with you. Some guy will be very lucky to have you but I am not that lucky guy. Friends?"

"Sure, Friends!"

I am starting to think there is something really wrong with me. 

Dating is like the hardest. 

Anything medical is scary but then you take the unknown and that is even more scarier. 

I learned at an early age that life is a struggle.

I know that the right guy will choose Jesus over me anyday but love me even knowing the unknown.

Flashback:

When I was a first grader I remeber my parents coming into my room to talk to me about getting some testing done.

I'll never forget my Mom saying "We love you forever and always!" 

To this day she always ends a conversation with me like this. 

I just know at 26 years old that something isn't right health wise. I always knew I struggled in school. I had a LOT of friends but school itself was hard. I would sit on the floor rather then a desk a lot because my body would move so much. 

I remeber Mr.Luce saying 

"You do what you need to do to get through this class! You fight and you don't give up! You are the most stubborn student I've ever had but the toughest I've had. Keep fighting!"

So I did.

Sometimes, I had nothing more to give at the end of a school day. 

I knew that life would be hard after High School. 

I knew that I had zero doctors saying "You can do whatever you set your mind too." 

MORE LIKE "She can't do this. She won't be able to do that! She can't live like this..." 

Thank God for two parents who saw more in me...

Who said "You WILL get a job."

"You WILL drive."

"You WILL learn to live on your own."

I try not to call them too much or worry them much because I know it just makes my Mom upset. 

I just feel so lost in life right now. 

Drinks, carrying a tray, bagging, IS suppose to be easy. 

Yet I have never wanted to do those things so badly as I have these past two weeks. 

When going to the doctor. I said " I can't even remeber what goes in the bag...it's food. It should not be hard."

His reply "It is amazing to me that you are where you are. So what those things may always be hard. I literally haven't ever seen a patient like you. I thought you'd be unable to walk by now. Your speech was terrible when I first saw you. Now we can have a conversation! I literally am always amused by you."

I just want to say "Dude. fix me. Whatever you have to do just fix it."

When I have said that. I always get the SAME reply "I can't. I just can't. I don't even know what the hell you have. How can I fix what I don't know?"

My heart is like so confused right now. 

Do another spinal tap and get my heart broke yet again...cause that hurts bad.

Blood work knowing that we may never find anwsers...

I have felt so alone these last few weeks as I see more and more dystonia doesn't fully fit me. So what does?

Where do I belong?

I'm not even sure I can move forward with this Hunt...

I just feel so out of place in my life right now.