"I praise you because I AM fearfully and wonderfully made."
Psalm 139:14
I often wonder what Jesus was thinking when he was creating me?
Did he know the struggles I would soon face?
The mountains that I would have to climb?
Let me take a step back for a moment.
All my life I have known nothing else but doctors,tests, and medication trials...I remember being in first grade and the doctors asking for a brain scan.
I really didn't understand what was happening. I recall my parents coming into my room a week or so before and sitting on my bed telling me that they decided to get some tests ran. I think the only thing I remember my Mom saying was "It'll be ok my sweet girl!"
I will never forget the moment I had a brain scan done. The nurse held my hand so tightly and did not leave my side.
I thought at that moment I was done with testing.
Only to find out that was just the start of our journey that would really test our faith in Jesus.
The last few weeks have been extremely tough.
I should be use to tough but I think I missed the memo a year ago when the doctor's said "There is nothing more we can do. We ARE sorry..."
So much easier to ignore what you don't want to hear or admit.
My famous quote in any doctor's office was always "Please just fix me. Please!"
In every single moment of this journey Jesus been there with me.
I have laid in the hospital bed in tears before just begging Jesus to come back soon.
The many of times I have felt so unloveable.
But still Jesus loves me.
Last week we ended up in the ER...
Last week was so real to me.
That reminder of "There is nothing more anyone can do."
When you see a text from your boss (Craig) that asks "How can I help?"
You want to reply "Fix me, please."
However, You know that's an unfair request to ask.
You see the MANY faces around Chick-fil-a that are right there going through this with you!
You see the tears fill in others eyes and you know they're hurting for you.
One afternoon Craig asked everyone this question that threw us to think on a deeper level.
"Are you a thermometer or a thermostat?"
I really thought he was a crazy person when he first asked me this question so randomly one day.
But then when I was in the ER last week with a thermometer in my mouth I kinda had to laugh because it was at THAT moment I understood in a deep way that I hadn't before.
A thermometer you can't change. It is what it is.
A thermostat you decide what the temperature is going to be.
Kinda like Dystonia.
It is what it is. I can't change that fact.
But like a thermostat I can decide what to do with that.
This picture makes my heart so full.
Especially tonight after a emotionally drained day...
This morning two doctors declined our case because of it being so complex.
My first reaction was "Come on Jesus! Do your part because I am doing mine. Stupid doctors. Stupid Dystonia. Stupid world."
I am not a crier because I was always raised
"Knock it off. Get tough and do it!"
But here in the last serval weeks I have cried more then I ever have in my whole life.
Asking Jesus all the "why's"
All the "There are people who don't even love you and their health is great but I love you and my health is a struggle. Really!?!"
I walked into work today to Craig giving me a hug followed by Maisen giving me a hug. Little did they know it is just what I needed to get through another day.
My work night ended the way I think Jesus had planned...
No where like the empty playroom to have a Jesus talk with two of your amazing co-workers. Sharing your heart and hearing
"Chelsi. We're more worried about you then ourselves. Our hearts break with you and for you! How do you think we feel when there isn't anything we can do to make dystonia go away?"
"Yeah Chelsi. Your going to come out even stronger then what you went into this as! Maybe the Lord is showing you to cling to him more."
"Your not alone in this. You have a whole team."
"Prayer changes things!"
"We have a Dystonia scavenger Hunt to get ready for and together we'll do this!"
"It's not just changed your heart...but ours too Chels."
"Would you really be here if it weren't for dystonia? Our paths may have never crossed if it wasn't for this journey."
I come home to a dark apartment where this letter was sitting on my table. I open to see that it is from my fourth grade teacher. Inside laid a check. I stood there in tears just thanking Jesus for tonight.
The Lord knows what we need more then what we need.
I am getting ready to fly miles away to fight for a cure for Dystonia on Capitol Hill.
What a beautiful reminder to the love Jesus has for us. In those times of heartbreaks, of struggles, and telling ourselves we aren't lovable.
Please pray that this next week makes a difference in others life's.
That Jesus shines through me.
In the end I'm not sure what Jesus has in store but I know that one day he will make my body brand new again.
Until that day I pray that others will know they are so lovable.
That Jesus sees people for their hearts.
I hope this week ya'll do the same!
Make it YOUR mission.
Make it your mission to give someone a hug.
It really means the world when your going through tough times.
I promise.
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