Moving on with life is just a part of life...

“I remember when Jesus lit a fire under me that only he could unlight within me. I remember my very first blog that went public. My roommate and I were sitting on the couch and Haley who was my roommate at the time says, “CHELSI! Your blog just went viral!” 

Where friendships were made and will last a lifetime...

 I remember the start of speaking when Melissa handed me the mic and walked away. Who knew that would start one of the biggest chapters of my life on this earth. From there, I began speaking everywhere and anywhere! I remember winning the essay for the Dougles Krämer award world wide inviting me to Washington and Captiol Hill. 

Washington is where I knew I wasn’t alone in this life. It’s where Jesus opened up doors that no man would be able to shut. 

Side note:Somedays I feel like I’m doing this life alone. I’m sure we all have those days where we are stuck in our own pitty parties. Asking Jesus all the “why’s”, and when we don’t get the answers we want we are quick to think Jesus is an unfair kinda guy. 

It’s human to be bitter. It’s human to be heartbroken. I always explain it to others as a grieving stage. You go through these strange but needed stages to come to a point of accepting it isn’t going to change. At some point you realize that your life has to go on. 

The last few years I have had to relive all the journey as the Hunt gets closer and I share my journey with the world. To be honest it hurts. It hurts really badly. To relive all the doctors who gave up on me. Who walked away because it was “hard”. I will never forget a neurosurgeon looking at me and saying, “Wow your life must suck!” The moment of denied letters for a simulator. I don’t think my heart ever hurt that badly before. The time a doctor said to me, “You don’t want to live like this!” You never forget words that are said to you that end up hurting you.

I’m about to be the author of a brand new book that shares my journey step by step. After the book is finished, I am so happy and heavy hearted to announce this part of my life has came to an ending point. Sometimes, you just have to keep your eyes on the road ahead without looking back. 

                                     Realizing that your past is what has helped shape who you are. 

One of the biggest role models in my whole entire life. 

I couldn't image doing this life without him as my boss but more importantly as that Dad role model at work!  

My book includes so many details of my journey and I truly hope you all understand the love Jesus has had for me even through the love I did not have for him. 

A chapter that talks about when I got a diagnosis and how It changed everything but changes nothing all at once. How when I got a diagnosis was so happy until I realized there wasn’t a cure. No one could fix it. And boy was I ticked when that became a reality. 

Dystonia will always be apart of me but it’s not all of me. I’m excited about what chapter and adventures Jesus has in store for my life next. I could use your prayers as this life is hard and I have to remember I am just passing through. Health is a good thing but sickness is far greater when you know that that’s the only way you would have given your heart to Jesus. 

                        I truly hope that this blog post doesn’t disappoint anyone but if it does I apologize.

                                                                                  -Chels 

Calming my storms...

"He made the storm. Be still."

Psalm 107:29

The last few months I have struggled like no other in my faith. Believing that there is a greater purpose then all the hurt and brokenness life can bring.  

I have come to realize that it is so much easier believing in Jesus when things are going great. When those storms come I have found it to be much more difficult to believe Jesus is good. 

Before I left for vacation I grabbed my friend and co-worker, Jayla. 

I simply said "I need you now." 

She quickly dropped everything she was doing and said "Okay."

We set down where no one could really see us in the restaurant.

I asked her if she would pray with me.

She dropped her book and said "Of course I will Chelsi. Anything for you. Anytime."

She prayed the most beautiful heartfelt prayer.

You could tell in her voice she really loved Jesus.

It was after that when I realized a praying friend is the best kinda friends to have.

I left for vacation last week with a heavy heart. 

A heavy heart that to be honest hurt. 

Hurt for Jesus.

My prayer life...well I can't even tell you how many weeks/maybe months I had went without praying. 

I am thankful that I had friends that never stopped praying for me during this time. 

I was able to get away for a week and spend time on the beach. 

I started thinking about life and how different of a person I am when I am not in the will of God.

When I am doing things MY way.

Gosh. I have fallen down more then a couple times in the last few months.

Turning to the world for answers.

I came back home from vacation with a heart that desired Jesus.

I was using the excuse "The church split."

Right. It happens. Move on Chels. 

Church is full of humans. 

Find a church that you love and make it a priority. 

You have people following you. 

Be careful. 

Through these last few months the Burrell's have been such an encouragement to me.

Without even knowing it.

Thanks Matt and Lynn! 

The church hunt begins Sunday! 

Finding a church in the generation we live in isn't the easiest nor the funniest task. 

I am determined to keep my heart set on Jesus and not the people.

I am ready to get back to work and see my beautiful people tomorrow! 

For now I am ending this post with Jesus is the only answer. 

People are searching.

Even Christians go through the searching phase. 

I ask that you please keep me in your prayers as I thought I would be at the church I was at for a very

long time. 

 If you have ever been to church alone then you know it is not comfortable. 

It is an odd stage to be in life. 

Where your at the age of marriage but you refuse to settle for just anyone. 

The wait is tough. It can feel as if you have been forgotten or aren't good enough.

I oddly was reminded by a guy I had talked too for awhile that that's far from it. 

It just sometimes doesn't work out.

In the end you know your worth and you know you are good enough so you wait on the Lord.

That is very difficult when you only see a little of the picture.  

Thank you Jesus for claiming my heart this past week.

For praying friends.

For friends who are willing to pray with you! 

For a place that sends you text messages throughout the week "I miss you so much!"

Nothing can compare to being needed, wanted, and loved!

When Dystonia has the best of you...

"I'm thankful for the scars...because without them I wouldn't know your heart..."

I'll be completely honest:

Fact: Dystonia has taught me that in this life there will be struggles that I could never really be prepared for. 

My biggest struggle these last few months have been: being angry. 

When dystonia hits my body...it hits without warning. 

It throws me off my game! 

It makes me not love myself the way I want too.

My famous line is "You don't understand..."

Fact 2: When the Lord placed me at Chick-fil-A Muncie, he sure knew what he was doing! 

I would have to say that our marketing director and operator hear "You don't understand" the most. 

Here's the funny thing:

They understand the most!

I gained a sister when I started working at Chick-fil-A Muncie! 

Fact 3: No matter how upset I get about dystonia, they haven't ever stopped loving me. 

In fact I will hear "Chels. Dystonia does not define you! We need you around here. We love you!" 

OR 

"Chels. I can't fix it. I wish I could but I can't. I get it though! I'm sorry." 

I think that has been the hardest part for me. Is hearing that no human can "fix" it. 

I remember one day Craig teaching me something new and I needed help. He quickly turned to help me. Looking up and said "I don't know weather you know this or not but you do have dystonia. Asking for help is ok!"

My reply "You know what? I don't think it's going to go away either..."

That was the first time in my life that I openly admitted that and it felt so good!
All my life I had this mindset I would find the "fix" and or the "cure".
Maybe one day but just not today.

Fact 4: Dystonia sometimes just kicks my butt.
My first reaction is to get super mad.
This means that I am not in control of my body and I don't like that feeling.
Why?
My biggest fear in this life is to not be loved.

"Fear comes when we are scared."

I would say that in this point of my life I am just that.
What happens if my dystonia gets to the point I can't walk?
Knowing that dystonia will do what it wants.
Knowing that at the end of the day I have no control weather dystonia takes more of my body or not.
What I do have control over is how I decide to handle it.
If I handle with a bitter heart then that is what others will see when they see me.
I want others to see Jesus's love he has had on me and for me through this journey.

Flashback:
I remember the nurse whom was in the room when I got a spinal tap done.
She asked me "Is dystonia scary?"
My reply "Yeah. I am scared now."
She smiled and held my hand so tightly...
The doctor doing the spinal tap said "Your tough. You'll be okay!"

I am learning each day is a new day!
When dystonia hits my body I am not "sick". I am just in a battle that I can't face alone.

If anyone tells you they can fight their battles alone they are lying by the way.
No one can.
If they try...it's messy!
Been there. Done that.
I am so blessed to have a HUGE support system!
 Chick-fil-A Muncie team has been the best team I have ever been on!
Thank you all for allowing dystonia to be so "normal" in our store.
I am thankful that Craig took the chance on me almost two years ago!
I have recently learned how to do have a headset on while carrying a tray.
Talk about challenge!

The influence Craig has on his business will leave a huge impact on this world for years to come...

Our team is full of love for one another and it shows! 


And maybe a little goofy!

If you want to ever feel loved and wanted go visit Chick-fil-A Muncie! 

Pot holes in the road

"Normality is a paved road:

It's comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow."

You know that feeling when you hit a pot hole and just close your eyes for a hot second thinking "Please tell me that didn't pop my tire!" 

Last week I must have hit every hole their was in the road...

I feel like that at times with dystonia.

My body gets so tired but I know I have to keep going! 

Sometimes, I think the Lord is teaching me patience. 

Patience with myself. Patience with his timing. 

Since I was a little girl and started going through doctor's my prayer would always be for someone (anyone) to just "get it". 

Get the daily struggles.

To get the emotions that come along with any chronic illness.

To see past my outside body.

I literally get so emotional just thinking about this answered prayer!

20 years later.

Literally this time last year I had NO clue what God was pre-paring me for.

I had no clue that I would leave MY dream job.

Only to enter into what the Lord's dream was for me. 

When I first came to CFA I really thought with my whole heart that it was just going to be a second income...but the more I started working there after teaching I realized this was were my heart was at!

It's where I could struggle. 

It's where I could be weak. It's where I could cry. 

I never thought the Lord could change my heart so quickly like he did.

A couple weeks ago the owner, Craig stood near by.

Anytime his sugar drops his pump goes off...which in return has the whole store worried.

I hear "Stupid diabetes!"

I laugh because I feel the SAME way about dystonia somedays.

It was that sweet reminder that I wasn't alone.

He then kinda just giggled that he said that out loud. 

This past Sunday was deep clean Sunday. 

Let's be honest. Towards the end I was struggling.

I was carrying a table and of course Craig jumps in to help carry the other end.

I was trying so hard to hold still.

My body just wasn't having me turn to the left side to look so whatever! 

Hello right side. 

I hear "There you go! Use your good side."

I literally was caught off guard.

No one usually catches on to that! Heck most doctor's don't even catch on to that.

I was SOOOOO happy that he did though! 

Literally one of my favorite pictures! 

When he interviewed me I had made a deal with myself to try and hide dystonia from the store.

Including Craig.

When that didn't really work so well for me I thought I'll just tell him but it's not a big deal.

Cover up how you really are struggling with it all right now up.

Can I just say that I am so thankful I just couldn't. 

I have grown so much as a person in the time I have been at CFA in Muncie. 

When I first came I really thought he wasn't going to hire me because I couldn't hold still.

I wanted the job so badly so I told myself to keep holding still. 

Monday, I am sitting down with Craig again just doing my own thing. 

My body was trying to move all over the place. 

I have this really bad habit of grabbing the table or something and holding on tight so I can at least have a little control over the movements.

Craig "Chels...How much energy does that take to try and hold still?"

The whole time thinking "How does he know this?"

BUT then being so thankful he does notice because he gets the parts not a lot of people "get". 

Today, I got owned for eating a small fry and six chips last week. 

I mean I can't help it if CFA food is super good and right in front of me.

What was I suppose to do?

Look at it? 

I guess blood work is a too often thing while on the keto!

Before long they'll have all my blood. 

To whomever likes taking blood...You are gross! 

I literally about puke every time I see my blood moving. 

Oh how gross! 

I look to two years ago and it IS amazing the pathway the Lord has taken me on! 

Like his dreams have became MY dreams.

I am so glad that I am loved. 

But even more importantly I am so thankful for a friend like Craig who just "gets it!" 

Good thing I worked REALLY hard in speech therapy and physical therapy cause boy would I need it for God's plans! 

I literally thought he was done using me until September! 

Guess not :) 

Happy Wednesday Ya'll! 

Compassion goes a long ways

"Compassion is passion with a heart"

It's true. When Jesus plants you, you will grow just like a plant grows with water and care.

You will do the same. 

The last few weeks I can just feel Jesus growing me. Growing me to what he wants me to be. All that he wants me to be. 

I often tear up when I think about how Jesus has planted me. 

"Love is Viral" 

Craig 

Little did I know that my interview would be the start of something beautiful. 

"If your body needs to move then move!" 

Fast forward to last week. Moving and accidentally hitting Craig's computer. Seconds of him saying "If your body needs to move then you let it move!" 

It's OK. 

All my life I have heard "Why does she do that?" 

"Are you cold?" 

But never those words! 

Growing up I never dreamed that Jesus was molding me and growing me to be all that I can be.

A few weeks ago Pastor Matt said "The road might just get tough but Jesus will stick those people in your pathway to help you overcome it." 

Speaking of Pastor Matt...While he was in Muncie I was able to have a Chick-fil-a breakfast date with him. I was so excited for him to meet my amazing co-workers! 

Your right Pastor Matt, Jesus knows just who we need to help us overcome life's challenges. 

I am so glad he thought I was special enough to place you in that pathway!

This past week was hard. With a sweet "good-bye" to such a sweet friend today. 

Ending with a hug (Chick-fil-a has taught me well) and a "Thank you for being my friend!" 

What a beautiful hand made gift that is hanging in my house! 

Abby, I couldn't have asked for a sweeter friend then you! 

I am so glad Jesus allowed you to come into my life when he did. 

I can't wait to watch how he uses you! 

In the last few weeks we hosted our very first ever dystonia support group here in IN.

I am so thankful for the sweet passion Jesus has placed in my heart to help others with Dystonia. 

If I could take it away, I would but then I think why take something so beautiful away? Dystonia is beautiful.

It's not always pretty...in fact it's messy but beauty comes from the heart not the body! 

I come home one day last week to find this...

My eyes filling up with tears that someone would care enough to do this! 

When that someone is your amazing beautiful fourth grade teacher. Who had you in class years ago! She's still making an impact on my life yet today.

Teacher's who love to teach love their students even more! 

And for that I am grateful.

To end this blog post that is kinda everywhere...

This year's Hunt for a Cure is handing out awards to two deserving people/places.

This years awards are going to Chick-fil-a in Muncie, The Sample's

and to Trey Hollingworth! 

The compassion that these places/offices have had for dystonia and others this year have been more then we could have ever ask for! 

Please join us on September 29th to help us hand these two so deserving awards out! 

If you see them around make sure to thank them for supporting dystonia day in and day out. 

Come help us Hunt for the second year in hopes to finding a cure soon! 

"Dream big!" 

  

That moment you realize you don't belong anywhere...

"I don't feel that I belong anywhere. Or rather, if there's a place I belong, I don't feel I'm there." 

When you wake up to a nasty rainy day outside. Your legs hurting. You know that this day will bring challenges that you don't want to face. Medicine you don't want to take but need. Checking your email to only find that your doctor has orded yet another spinal tap. My heart literally hurt reading the email...

Flashback to the first spinal tap that was done:

I went in thinking that we would for sure have answers. 

I went in scared but Jesus provided an amazing nurse who held my hand through it all.

A doctor that was so settle and who even said "Dr.Mike is a smart guy. He'll figure this out. Don't worry!"

Two weeks later...

I would be sitting at my desk while getting that call for results.

"Your results came back all normal. We are so sorry that this didn't give you any answers."

No words can explain the amount of pain that my heart felt. 

Later that day and little did I know that a small child would break me down while at snack.

"Miss.Chelsi do you get sad?"

"I do. Do you?"

"I do but can we pray?"

"Sure!"

"Dear Jesus help my doggy because he had a green heart and just died. I love him so much Jesus. Keep him safe until I see him again. I love you so much Jesus! Amen."

As I left teaching months ago and truly do believe Jesus was calling me other places. 

That place ended up being CFA. 

Fresh start. So much laughter and joy fills that building. 

Latley, I just don't know where my heart is. 

"What's your plans looking at ten years down the road?"

My answer this past weekend was "Chick-fil-a"

My response I got was "Your just going to stay at Chick-fil-a for the rest of your life? Great. So your going to be nothing in life is what your telling us?" 

"Chelsi guys aren't going to want to date you if your just settling at Chick-fil-a."

This past weekend I heard 

"I think I just want to be friends with you. Some guy will be very lucky to have you but I am not that lucky guy. Friends?"

"Sure, Friends!"

I am starting to think there is something really wrong with me. 

Dating is like the hardest. 

Anything medical is scary but then you take the unknown and that is even more scarier. 

I learned at an early age that life is a struggle.

I know that the right guy will choose Jesus over me anyday but love me even knowing the unknown.

Flashback:

When I was a first grader I remeber my parents coming into my room to talk to me about getting some testing done.

I'll never forget my Mom saying "We love you forever and always!" 

To this day she always ends a conversation with me like this. 

I just know at 26 years old that something isn't right health wise. I always knew I struggled in school. I had a LOT of friends but school itself was hard. I would sit on the floor rather then a desk a lot because my body would move so much. 

I remeber Mr.Luce saying 

"You do what you need to do to get through this class! You fight and you don't give up! You are the most stubborn student I've ever had but the toughest I've had. Keep fighting!"

So I did.

Sometimes, I had nothing more to give at the end of a school day. 

I knew that life would be hard after High School. 

I knew that I had zero doctors saying "You can do whatever you set your mind too." 

MORE LIKE "She can't do this. She won't be able to do that! She can't live like this..." 

Thank God for two parents who saw more in me...

Who said "You WILL get a job."

"You WILL drive."

"You WILL learn to live on your own."

I try not to call them too much or worry them much because I know it just makes my Mom upset. 

I just feel so lost in life right now. 

Drinks, carrying a tray, bagging, IS suppose to be easy. 

Yet I have never wanted to do those things so badly as I have these past two weeks. 

When going to the doctor. I said " I can't even remeber what goes in the bag...it's food. It should not be hard."

His reply "It is amazing to me that you are where you are. So what those things may always be hard. I literally haven't ever seen a patient like you. I thought you'd be unable to walk by now. Your speech was terrible when I first saw you. Now we can have a conversation! I literally am always amused by you."

I just want to say "Dude. fix me. Whatever you have to do just fix it."

When I have said that. I always get the SAME reply "I can't. I just can't. I don't even know what the hell you have. How can I fix what I don't know?"

My heart is like so confused right now. 

Do another spinal tap and get my heart broke yet again...cause that hurts bad.

Blood work knowing that we may never find anwsers...

I have felt so alone these last few weeks as I see more and more dystonia doesn't fully fit me. So what does?

Where do I belong?

I'm not even sure I can move forward with this Hunt...

I just feel so out of place in my life right now. 

Patience

                                                                    "Come as you are"

Being happy isn't always easy. Sometimes it takes a little bit of perspective, patience, and attitude adjustments. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails. 

These past few weeks have been every bit of being weak, being strong, being tough, and being emotional. I've always promised myself that if I am going to have a blog I am going to keep being honest but real at the same time.  

                                                                 Here it goes...

Number one:My anxiety level has been sky rocket. 

Number two:I have been missing teaching so much lately. 

Number three:Going through speech therapy, physical therapy, and TRYING to get into occupational therapy is just nothing short of being overwhelming. It isn't fixing dystonia totally and that frustrates me but at the same time I knew it wasn't a cure all. 

Number four:When my body flares I have a real hard time keeping my cool. I was a pre-school teacher. I fixed things from toys to tears on a daily basis but I am finding myself unable to fix my own problems. 

Number five:What is taking Jesus so long to return? Like I'm getting tired of the wait. Every time I turn around its a "Be patient Chelsi" OR a "I know the waiting is hard". No. It's just annoying. 

 My favorite part of teaching was always the thousands of pictures I would come home with each day.

              My Mom texted me today and said that one of the littles made me a picture today! 

                      Little did that little one know it is just what I needed to make my day. 

        My favorite part of being a toddler and preschool teacher was the love they had for everyone. 

Sweetest story:When a parent comes to pick up their child and stops to say "My child prayed for you last night on her hands and knees. I'm not sure what for but she said "Jesus knows mommy!" Come to find out that little four year old was praying that I would feel better. 

    While my heart isn't in teaching daily like it once was I have found myself missing the "Miss.Chelsi!" a thousand times a day. The "I wove you Miss.Chelsi!" at least ten times a day! The little giggles or the "Miss.Chelsi I want to pray! She always gets to pray. Can I?" My heart<3

                       I am thankful that Jesus has placed my heart at Chick-fil-a. 

I am thankful that I am loved there. I am thankful for bosses who love Jesus. Who stop to pray with me. I am thankful for the little things like this in life. 

I get to be around people daily. I love people. I love that no person is the same in this life. I love that Jesus has grown me so much since being with CFA. 

                                    Sweetest story:My interview with the owner. 

The times that the senior team leads like Alexis, Rachel, and Mckenzie have all taken time out to just love me right where I am. I am so imperfect and they see past that imperfection. How thankful I am. 

I know that I could go to them and tell them anything in this world and still get the reply "Love you Chels!" This last month was such a struggle and in that time of struggle I knew that I had so many praying for me. Including supporting me in flying miles away to Washington even after I missed work a few weeks before due to dystonia. 

The last few weeks my heart has been in question of staying a host for the scavenger hunt in the state of Indiana. That's my baby but somedays I just get so overwhelmed by it all and think to myself "I'm not making a difference. There is no cure. What am I doing?" I want nothing else to see a cure for the little people. Sometimes, I just feel like what I am doing isn't enough. 

I with two others are hosting the very first dystonia support group this weekend. While I am excited I am also on the struggle bus with it all. Growing up there was nothing like this. We knew no one with dystonia...even when I got diagnosed. I am not so sure that I am ready to re live the struggles we faced growing up this next weekend.
                     15 families have joined and will be joining us in Indy Sunday afternoon for this.
My prayer is in this that others (weather it's parents, teenagers, children, adults, grandparents) will know the moment they walk in and some of us meet one another for the first time they will know they aren't alone. 

             
 My little lunch date Tuesday asked me "Chelsi why do you move a lot?" 

              A part of me didn't know how to answer that question but knew I needed too. 

I said "Dystonia. It's goofy isn't it?!" Thinking she would agree but instead says "Does it hurt?"

            I quickly said "Somedays." The little one said "You need a nap then!"

                                              "Stonia is like mean but get mean back ok?!" 

                                    When you want the truth about life just talk to a child! 

Last week Indy called and I have an appointment with a movement disorder doctor in May. I know that sadly there is no cure but I just can't help but to be scared of what I might hear. That "There is nothing else we can do" hurts. I really struggle with communication. Shocker! I know but in all seriousness It's not that I mean to struggle with it on purpose. I just struggle with it. Weakness of mine for sure! I am preparing myself so I can actually talk to this doctor in a way he will understand where my struggles lay. In hopes he can guide us on those flare up days a little better. 

                Somedays. Some weeks. I struggle. This would be one of those weeks.

          This has been MY jam this week in the mist of questioning my leadership skills.
             I want to lead like Jesus but this week I have felt so just not good at anything...