In those moments...

"She who kneels before God can stand before anyone"

-Romans 8:31-

I'm diving deep into this but feel after this morning that is exactly what God calls us to do sometimes in life.

A few months ago I became a home owner! Words of advice: Don't ever buy a home and think it is just THAT simple. The process is terrible. The waiting. The waiting. You know that saying "It'll be worth the wait"?

 That is true in this case. 

I am so thankful for the two amazing parents God allowed me to have in life. They ARE priceless to me. 

(Deep down I am priceless to them but like I said deep down)! 

I started a new chapter in my life. I am the new lead teacher for preschool this year at the ABA Clinic-Hillcroft. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. 

I am.

I was reminded today that Jesus doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called. 

Sometimes, We need that one friend to "sock it to us". In a loving way. I use to think that when someone I loved and respected was upfront/honest with me that it meant that they just wanted me to fail. Now how stupid does that sound? 

Pretty stupid. Huh?

I know she will be ok with this so I wanted to share because Jesus just knows what we need and who we need. 

I was feeling weary, stressed, overwhelmed...I had sent my friend, Lynn a text this morning before work stating that I was really stressed, I was nervous, and tired. Not just with making sure Preschool is ready and set to roll on Tuesday! Just life in general, really. 

I was definitely having a pity party for myself. 

I get this text and the first thing I read is "Get your head out of the dumpster! It stinks in there!" 

The second thing was "Never use the word "defeat" or defeated with me again. 

Sounds pretty straight forward but in a loving way! 

The text simply explained that as children of God in those times of being weary should be leaning on Jesus.

I want to be super honest because what is the point of writing your life's moments if your not?

I love Jesus with all of my heart but I don't serve him like I love him with all my heart. 

I want church when I want church. Maybe I am the only one that has been there and seems as if I have just stayed there forever now. 

I told myself when this virus hit that I was done with church. The truth is I was done with church way before then. 

 I grew up in church and time to be completely open and honest with myself. 

Growing up I always felt like Jesus made me wrong. When I was going through medical I always prayed to Jesus to just help me cure it. Fix it. When he didn't I was so quick to play that blame game. You know that game where I blame Jesus for it all. For all the comments that has ever been said by doctors. 

Yet through that Jesus still loved me. He understood. He could handle my blaming game. That is what it is, my friends. A game when we want it to be everyone else's fault but our own. 

No way, shape, or form do I believe for a moment that Dystonia is MY fault but there was a time I did.

I would sit in speech therapy with McKale and I would make comments such as "I'm done. I can't do this". 

She was tough and sometimes that tough love is exactly what we NEED. 

She would always say "Chelsi. Stop. You can do this but this is your choice."

Man. Aren't you glad for those friends? Those friends who know it went deeper then struggling with speech. 

I never really stopped to listen to many people when they would say "Deal with it and move on." I just let it all sit and build up over the years with Jesus. 

Now. The above doesn't mean that I am any less of a Christian. It simply means when we have a problem with Jesus and feel like life is "unfair", we need to be going to HIM first. 

All day this text has weighted on my heart.

Another prayer I use to pray because this was my famous saying to Craig (CFA Owner) when I was at working at Chick-fil-A "You don't understand me!" He would stand in my way blocking me from just walking off and every single time he would say "What does that mean, Chels? What does that really mean? Do you even know?"

I would stand there frozen most times with a eye roll. 

He would say "Chels. Cry if you need too. Get ticked at me all you want but deal with it with him first."

It would bother me each time but I would tell myself every time "Be tough. No one understands you."

This morning my heart was heavy as I had flashbacks to the past. 

All the medical that Jesus has ever went through with me.

The moment. The very moment I heard "The tests came back all clear. I am so sorry." I wanted the answers so badly. I did get the answers but not the answers I had hoped for. I always knew that I struggled processing, holding still, speech, but I always had told myself I could fix it! I could be in control. 

Here is my ending to my day:

I know that I am a sinner saved by grace.

I know that Jesus has always loved me (not that I deserve it) but he has always just been there.

He has taken what doctors thought was "impossible", and socked it to them! 

To show how BIG he is! 

Building up emotions and feeling years later isn't healthy at all. 

Why we even allow ourselves to live in the past...I'm not sure.

I was so encouraged today by my beautiful friend, Lynn Burrell.

That I set in my car for awhile thinking about what she had said.

This life is a beautiful life. 

We just have to decide too see the positive and make the negatives into beauty! 

Wow. As I sit and write this my house is quite. 

I haven't been on anything Dystonia for a long time mainly because the past still stings.

You know like when you get stung by a bee it hurts in that moment. That's how I feel when I get on anything Dystonia wise so I just try to stay my distance. 

Ayriel is in her room asleep...Our house has been so busy lately that the settle feels so good! 

For now I encourage you all to be so thankful for those friends who WILL be honest and upfront with you because they well simply DO love YOU.

Hold tight to them because they are so rare.

I'll leave my post with this.

We don't see ourselves the way Jesus sees us. 

We see broken, messy, weary, tired...He sees so much more in us!  

Last but not least sometimes we pretend to have it all together when we are just a mess inside. Pastor Matt has said so MANY times "If your heart isn't right with God it will show!" 

It does show. 

Maybe your heart is right with God but just weary in the world we are living in. That's alright. We all get to that weary point and sometimes we just need a "pick me up" to shake us out of that mood. 

So here is what really picked me up after listening to Lynn. Key word was listening. Sometimes, All God asks of us is to listen. I (Chelsi) don't need to always be in control. Although, I would like to be! 

What really picked me up tonight is Matt's sermon from last Sunday. Sometimes, We are in the kitchen fixing dinner, have a million things going on in our minds that we really don't pay attention or listen to what is being said. Matt has been talking about "The New Normal", and what that looks like. Where that leaves the Church and God. 

Matt talks about how this was not a surprise to God. How fear can over ride us. 

How when fear over turns our lives (like it has been mine) we are saying with our actions that we don't really trust in Jesus. 

You know. No biggie. Just that Jesus is the creator of the world. 

As I was listening this time and paying closer attention I heard Matt pretty clearly. 

You go to Wal-Mart but you can't serve our God? 

What? 

I was super guilty! 

I started to try and justify it. 

(Just for the record I would loss real bad in that conversation with Matt)

There is no just case to going to Wal-Mart over going to church. 

I can try to justify it all I want too but lets face it Mac & Cheese isn't as powerful as Jesus. 

I can online groceries/go to the store any day of the week. 

I don't wanna be in church right now. I want to be in my own bed sleeping on Sundays. Doing other things. That's the honest truth. 

I however know that Jesus just wants us to serve him/love him. 

Even Christians sometimes get weary. 

I guess I will use my new name around the Clinic to sign off.

-Miss.Chelsi-