In those moments...

"She who kneels before God can stand before anyone"

-Romans 8:31-

I'm diving deep into this but feel after this morning that is exactly what God calls us to do sometimes in life.

A few months ago I became a home owner! Words of advice: Don't ever buy a home and think it is just THAT simple. The process is terrible. The waiting. The waiting. You know that saying "It'll be worth the wait"?

 That is true in this case. 

I am so thankful for the two amazing parents God allowed me to have in life. They ARE priceless to me. 

(Deep down I am priceless to them but like I said deep down)! 

I started a new chapter in my life. I am the new lead teacher for preschool this year at the ABA Clinic-Hillcroft. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. 

I am.

I was reminded today that Jesus doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called. 

Sometimes, We need that one friend to "sock it to us". In a loving way. I use to think that when someone I loved and respected was upfront/honest with me that it meant that they just wanted me to fail. Now how stupid does that sound? 

Pretty stupid. Huh?

I know she will be ok with this so I wanted to share because Jesus just knows what we need and who we need. 

I was feeling weary, stressed, overwhelmed...I had sent my friend, Lynn a text this morning before work stating that I was really stressed, I was nervous, and tired. Not just with making sure Preschool is ready and set to roll on Tuesday! Just life in general, really. 

I was definitely having a pity party for myself. 

I get this text and the first thing I read is "Get your head out of the dumpster! It stinks in there!" 

The second thing was "Never use the word "defeat" or defeated with me again. 

Sounds pretty straight forward but in a loving way! 

The text simply explained that as children of God in those times of being weary should be leaning on Jesus.

I want to be super honest because what is the point of writing your life's moments if your not?

I love Jesus with all of my heart but I don't serve him like I love him with all my heart. 

I want church when I want church. Maybe I am the only one that has been there and seems as if I have just stayed there forever now. 

I told myself when this virus hit that I was done with church. The truth is I was done with church way before then. 

 I grew up in church and time to be completely open and honest with myself. 

Growing up I always felt like Jesus made me wrong. When I was going through medical I always prayed to Jesus to just help me cure it. Fix it. When he didn't I was so quick to play that blame game. You know that game where I blame Jesus for it all. For all the comments that has ever been said by doctors. 

Yet through that Jesus still loved me. He understood. He could handle my blaming game. That is what it is, my friends. A game when we want it to be everyone else's fault but our own. 

No way, shape, or form do I believe for a moment that Dystonia is MY fault but there was a time I did.

I would sit in speech therapy with McKale and I would make comments such as "I'm done. I can't do this". 

She was tough and sometimes that tough love is exactly what we NEED. 

She would always say "Chelsi. Stop. You can do this but this is your choice."

Man. Aren't you glad for those friends? Those friends who know it went deeper then struggling with speech. 

I never really stopped to listen to many people when they would say "Deal with it and move on." I just let it all sit and build up over the years with Jesus. 

Now. The above doesn't mean that I am any less of a Christian. It simply means when we have a problem with Jesus and feel like life is "unfair", we need to be going to HIM first. 

All day this text has weighted on my heart.

Another prayer I use to pray because this was my famous saying to Craig (CFA Owner) when I was at working at Chick-fil-A "You don't understand me!" He would stand in my way blocking me from just walking off and every single time he would say "What does that mean, Chels? What does that really mean? Do you even know?"

I would stand there frozen most times with a eye roll. 

He would say "Chels. Cry if you need too. Get ticked at me all you want but deal with it with him first."

It would bother me each time but I would tell myself every time "Be tough. No one understands you."

This morning my heart was heavy as I had flashbacks to the past. 

All the medical that Jesus has ever went through with me.

The moment. The very moment I heard "The tests came back all clear. I am so sorry." I wanted the answers so badly. I did get the answers but not the answers I had hoped for. I always knew that I struggled processing, holding still, speech, but I always had told myself I could fix it! I could be in control. 

Here is my ending to my day:

I know that I am a sinner saved by grace.

I know that Jesus has always loved me (not that I deserve it) but he has always just been there.

He has taken what doctors thought was "impossible", and socked it to them! 

To show how BIG he is! 

Building up emotions and feeling years later isn't healthy at all. 

Why we even allow ourselves to live in the past...I'm not sure.

I was so encouraged today by my beautiful friend, Lynn Burrell.

That I set in my car for awhile thinking about what she had said.

This life is a beautiful life. 

We just have to decide too see the positive and make the negatives into beauty! 

Wow. As I sit and write this my house is quite. 

I haven't been on anything Dystonia for a long time mainly because the past still stings.

You know like when you get stung by a bee it hurts in that moment. That's how I feel when I get on anything Dystonia wise so I just try to stay my distance. 

Ayriel is in her room asleep...Our house has been so busy lately that the settle feels so good! 

For now I encourage you all to be so thankful for those friends who WILL be honest and upfront with you because they well simply DO love YOU.

Hold tight to them because they are so rare.

I'll leave my post with this.

We don't see ourselves the way Jesus sees us. 

We see broken, messy, weary, tired...He sees so much more in us!  

Last but not least sometimes we pretend to have it all together when we are just a mess inside. Pastor Matt has said so MANY times "If your heart isn't right with God it will show!" 

It does show. 

Maybe your heart is right with God but just weary in the world we are living in. That's alright. We all get to that weary point and sometimes we just need a "pick me up" to shake us out of that mood. 

So here is what really picked me up after listening to Lynn. Key word was listening. Sometimes, All God asks of us is to listen. I (Chelsi) don't need to always be in control. Although, I would like to be! 

What really picked me up tonight is Matt's sermon from last Sunday. Sometimes, We are in the kitchen fixing dinner, have a million things going on in our minds that we really don't pay attention or listen to what is being said. Matt has been talking about "The New Normal", and what that looks like. Where that leaves the Church and God. 

Matt talks about how this was not a surprise to God. How fear can over ride us. 

How when fear over turns our lives (like it has been mine) we are saying with our actions that we don't really trust in Jesus. 

You know. No biggie. Just that Jesus is the creator of the world. 

As I was listening this time and paying closer attention I heard Matt pretty clearly. 

You go to Wal-Mart but you can't serve our God? 

What? 

I was super guilty! 

I started to try and justify it. 

(Just for the record I would loss real bad in that conversation with Matt)

There is no just case to going to Wal-Mart over going to church. 

I can try to justify it all I want too but lets face it Mac & Cheese isn't as powerful as Jesus. 

I can online groceries/go to the store any day of the week. 

I don't wanna be in church right now. I want to be in my own bed sleeping on Sundays. Doing other things. That's the honest truth. 

I however know that Jesus just wants us to serve him/love him. 

Even Christians sometimes get weary. 

I guess I will use my new name around the Clinic to sign off.

-Miss.Chelsi-

God IS good all the time

"In the mist of tragedy God IS still Good"

 -Matt Burrell 

2020 best day EVER in the books! As I got to spend all day long with Matt & Lynn Burrell.

For those of you that don't know...two years ago Matt came to preach revival. The first time I saw him was when he stood upfront crying. I wanted to go up and give him a hug right then...but found out later he was actually crying because he loved Jesus so much.

Image if we all loved Jesus that much?

our world would be a revival daily wouldn't it?

Two years ago I would have a spinal tap done. It wasn't "planned" that way but for some reason the hospital needed us that Friday morning to have it done.

Matt would preach that week starting on Sunday and ending on Thursday.

I can't tell you what he preached about Sunday through Wednesday BUT Thursday came.

Facts:I was feeling so alone. So broken. So lost. I just wanted to be loved.

That night Matt preached about the potter and the clay.

How Jesus molds us in his perfect image. 

Did you hear the word PERFECT?

Nothing in this life is perfect but Jesus's love for us is just that. 

Perfect. 

When Matt said (word for word) "You are not a mistake. Jesus loves you right where your at."

As he is talking about all the broken pieces. I thought "That's me. I'm so broken." 

After service he found out I was the one getting a spinal tap. 

He said "I'll be praying for you! I would be scared. Are you scared?"

Yeah.

Matt:I love you!

I stopped in my tracks.That love word. There is just something about being loved. 

They were in town for two days before having to head back to the Virus going around...

Jesus knows just what we need and when. I got to spend the whole day with them today. 

RIGHT?! I was above the moon! 

Mark it 2020 BEST day ever! 

You know why?

They love me for me. They always have loved me in my broken pieces. 

You know we all need those days where we just spend time with the ones we love. 

 

I have NO doubt that God used them for the short amount of time they were in town to be such a blessing.

Proof that Jesus uses others (miles away) to reach hearts, to love one another.

Lynn encouraged me without even knowing to write this blog tonight. If you get nothing else of this blog understand Jesus loves us. 

He loves you.

Lynn & Matt taught me today that no virus can keep Jesus from using others in big ways.

Lynn and I got to do a podcast together today which has been on my bucket list for a really long time.

Keep watch out as we post it soon.

Tonight. I encourage you all to know how loved you are. 

Pray for  Lynn and Matt as they are traveling back home to be with their loved ones.

 

I get in my car after saying those terrible good-byes and open both her books she has out  now to this. Just sitting in my car crying I thanked God for allowing me to have the BEST day ever! 

There is NOTHING more beautiful then to  know and feel loved.

 I ask that you all pray as I am in a season of figuring out who I am. 

who Jesus wants me to be.

Where Jesus wants me to be at.

 Tonight. My heart is so FULL. 

Matt:I believe in you! You have such a big heart-Keep sharing that heart with the world! I hope I have a heart just like yours one day. People know. People see. Thanks for not letting me go through that spinal tap heartbreak alone. Keeping me focused on how much Jesus loves me.

Lynn:You have no idea how much I needed you today! I'm so glad that Jesus allowed time out just to show me whats truly important in life.

I love you and Matt to the moon and back!  

I encourage you all to share the love of Christ.

The love Jesus has for them. 

It WILL change their life.

As this virus hits hold on to the love. 

The virus can't break Jesus's love he has for us. Tell someone you love them daily. 

Moving on with life is just a part of life...

“I remember when Jesus lit a fire under me that only he could unlight within me. I remember my very first blog that went public. My roommate and I were sitting on the couch and Haley who was my roommate at the time says, “CHELSI! Your blog just went viral!” 

Where friendships were made and will last a lifetime...

 I remember the start of speaking when Melissa handed me the mic and walked away. Who knew that would start one of the biggest chapters of my life on this earth. From there, I began speaking everywhere and anywhere! I remember winning the essay for the Dougles Krämer award world wide inviting me to Washington and Captiol Hill. 

Washington is where I knew I wasn’t alone in this life. It’s where Jesus opened up doors that no man would be able to shut. 

Side note:Somedays I feel like I’m doing this life alone. I’m sure we all have those days where we are stuck in our own pitty parties. Asking Jesus all the “why’s”, and when we don’t get the answers we want we are quick to think Jesus is an unfair kinda guy. 

It’s human to be bitter. It’s human to be heartbroken. I always explain it to others as a grieving stage. You go through these strange but needed stages to come to a point of accepting it isn’t going to change. At some point you realize that your life has to go on. 

The last few years I have had to relive all the journey as the Hunt gets closer and I share my journey with the world. To be honest it hurts. It hurts really badly. To relive all the doctors who gave up on me. Who walked away because it was “hard”. I will never forget a neurosurgeon looking at me and saying, “Wow your life must suck!” The moment of denied letters for a simulator. I don’t think my heart ever hurt that badly before. The time a doctor said to me, “You don’t want to live like this!” You never forget words that are said to you that end up hurting you.

I’m about to be the author of a brand new book that shares my journey step by step. After the book is finished, I am so happy and heavy hearted to announce this part of my life has came to an ending point. Sometimes, you just have to keep your eyes on the road ahead without looking back. 

                                     Realizing that your past is what has helped shape who you are. 

One of the biggest role models in my whole entire life. 

I couldn't image doing this life without him as my boss but more importantly as that Dad role model at work!  

My book includes so many details of my journey and I truly hope you all understand the love Jesus has had for me even through the love I did not have for him. 

A chapter that talks about when I got a diagnosis and how It changed everything but changes nothing all at once. How when I got a diagnosis was so happy until I realized there wasn’t a cure. No one could fix it. And boy was I ticked when that became a reality. 

Dystonia will always be apart of me but it’s not all of me. I’m excited about what chapter and adventures Jesus has in store for my life next. I could use your prayers as this life is hard and I have to remember I am just passing through. Health is a good thing but sickness is far greater when you know that that’s the only way you would have given your heart to Jesus. 

                        I truly hope that this blog post doesn’t disappoint anyone but if it does I apologize.

                                                                                  -Chels 

Calming my storms...

"He made the storm. Be still."

Psalm 107:29

The last few months I have struggled like no other in my faith. Believing that there is a greater purpose then all the hurt and brokenness life can bring.  

I have come to realize that it is so much easier believing in Jesus when things are going great. When those storms come I have found it to be much more difficult to believe Jesus is good. 

Before I left for vacation I grabbed my friend and co-worker, Jayla. 

I simply said "I need you now." 

She quickly dropped everything she was doing and said "Okay."

We set down where no one could really see us in the restaurant.

I asked her if she would pray with me.

She dropped her book and said "Of course I will Chelsi. Anything for you. Anytime."

She prayed the most beautiful heartfelt prayer.

You could tell in her voice she really loved Jesus.

It was after that when I realized a praying friend is the best kinda friends to have.

I left for vacation last week with a heavy heart. 

A heavy heart that to be honest hurt. 

Hurt for Jesus.

My prayer life...well I can't even tell you how many weeks/maybe months I had went without praying. 

I am thankful that I had friends that never stopped praying for me during this time. 

I was able to get away for a week and spend time on the beach. 

I started thinking about life and how different of a person I am when I am not in the will of God.

When I am doing things MY way.

Gosh. I have fallen down more then a couple times in the last few months.

Turning to the world for answers.

I came back home from vacation with a heart that desired Jesus.

I was using the excuse "The church split."

Right. It happens. Move on Chels. 

Church is full of humans. 

Find a church that you love and make it a priority. 

You have people following you. 

Be careful. 

Through these last few months the Burrell's have been such an encouragement to me.

Without even knowing it.

Thanks Matt and Lynn! 

The church hunt begins Sunday! 

Finding a church in the generation we live in isn't the easiest nor the funniest task. 

I am determined to keep my heart set on Jesus and not the people.

I am ready to get back to work and see my beautiful people tomorrow! 

For now I am ending this post with Jesus is the only answer. 

People are searching.

Even Christians go through the searching phase. 

I ask that you please keep me in your prayers as I thought I would be at the church I was at for a very

long time. 

 If you have ever been to church alone then you know it is not comfortable. 

It is an odd stage to be in life. 

Where your at the age of marriage but you refuse to settle for just anyone. 

The wait is tough. It can feel as if you have been forgotten or aren't good enough.

I oddly was reminded by a guy I had talked too for awhile that that's far from it. 

It just sometimes doesn't work out.

In the end you know your worth and you know you are good enough so you wait on the Lord.

That is very difficult when you only see a little of the picture.  

Thank you Jesus for claiming my heart this past week.

For praying friends.

For friends who are willing to pray with you! 

For a place that sends you text messages throughout the week "I miss you so much!"

Nothing can compare to being needed, wanted, and loved!

When Dystonia has the best of you...

"I'm thankful for the scars...because without them I wouldn't know your heart..."

I'll be completely honest:

Fact: Dystonia has taught me that in this life there will be struggles that I could never really be prepared for. 

My biggest struggle these last few months have been: being angry. 

When dystonia hits my body...it hits without warning. 

It throws me off my game! 

It makes me not love myself the way I want too.

My famous line is "You don't understand..."

Fact 2: When the Lord placed me at Chick-fil-A Muncie, he sure knew what he was doing! 

I would have to say that our marketing director and operator hear "You don't understand" the most. 

Here's the funny thing:

They understand the most!

I gained a sister when I started working at Chick-fil-A Muncie! 

Fact 3: No matter how upset I get about dystonia, they haven't ever stopped loving me. 

In fact I will hear "Chels. Dystonia does not define you! We need you around here. We love you!" 

OR 

"Chels. I can't fix it. I wish I could but I can't. I get it though! I'm sorry." 

I think that has been the hardest part for me. Is hearing that no human can "fix" it. 

I remember one day Craig teaching me something new and I needed help. He quickly turned to help me. Looking up and said "I don't know weather you know this or not but you do have dystonia. Asking for help is ok!"

My reply "You know what? I don't think it's going to go away either..."

That was the first time in my life that I openly admitted that and it felt so good!
All my life I had this mindset I would find the "fix" and or the "cure".
Maybe one day but just not today.

Fact 4: Dystonia sometimes just kicks my butt.
My first reaction is to get super mad.
This means that I am not in control of my body and I don't like that feeling.
Why?
My biggest fear in this life is to not be loved.

"Fear comes when we are scared."

I would say that in this point of my life I am just that.
What happens if my dystonia gets to the point I can't walk?
Knowing that dystonia will do what it wants.
Knowing that at the end of the day I have no control weather dystonia takes more of my body or not.
What I do have control over is how I decide to handle it.
If I handle with a bitter heart then that is what others will see when they see me.
I want others to see Jesus's love he has had on me and for me through this journey.

Flashback:
I remember the nurse whom was in the room when I got a spinal tap done.
She asked me "Is dystonia scary?"
My reply "Yeah. I am scared now."
She smiled and held my hand so tightly...
The doctor doing the spinal tap said "Your tough. You'll be okay!"

I am learning each day is a new day!
When dystonia hits my body I am not "sick". I am just in a battle that I can't face alone.

If anyone tells you they can fight their battles alone they are lying by the way.
No one can.
If they try...it's messy!
Been there. Done that.
I am so blessed to have a HUGE support system!
 Chick-fil-A Muncie team has been the best team I have ever been on!
Thank you all for allowing dystonia to be so "normal" in our store.
I am thankful that Craig took the chance on me almost two years ago!
I have recently learned how to do have a headset on while carrying a tray.
Talk about challenge!

The influence Craig has on his business will leave a huge impact on this world for years to come...

Our team is full of love for one another and it shows! 


And maybe a little goofy!

If you want to ever feel loved and wanted go visit Chick-fil-A Muncie! 

Pot holes in the road

"Normality is a paved road:

It's comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow."

You know that feeling when you hit a pot hole and just close your eyes for a hot second thinking "Please tell me that didn't pop my tire!" 

Last week I must have hit every hole their was in the road...

I feel like that at times with dystonia.

My body gets so tired but I know I have to keep going! 

Sometimes, I think the Lord is teaching me patience. 

Patience with myself. Patience with his timing. 

Since I was a little girl and started going through doctor's my prayer would always be for someone (anyone) to just "get it". 

Get the daily struggles.

To get the emotions that come along with any chronic illness.

To see past my outside body.

I literally get so emotional just thinking about this answered prayer!

20 years later.

Literally this time last year I had NO clue what God was pre-paring me for.

I had no clue that I would leave MY dream job.

Only to enter into what the Lord's dream was for me. 

When I first came to CFA I really thought with my whole heart that it was just going to be a second income...but the more I started working there after teaching I realized this was were my heart was at!

It's where I could struggle. 

It's where I could be weak. It's where I could cry. 

I never thought the Lord could change my heart so quickly like he did.

A couple weeks ago the owner, Craig stood near by.

Anytime his sugar drops his pump goes off...which in return has the whole store worried.

I hear "Stupid diabetes!"

I laugh because I feel the SAME way about dystonia somedays.

It was that sweet reminder that I wasn't alone.

He then kinda just giggled that he said that out loud. 

This past Sunday was deep clean Sunday. 

Let's be honest. Towards the end I was struggling.

I was carrying a table and of course Craig jumps in to help carry the other end.

I was trying so hard to hold still.

My body just wasn't having me turn to the left side to look so whatever! 

Hello right side. 

I hear "There you go! Use your good side."

I literally was caught off guard.

No one usually catches on to that! Heck most doctor's don't even catch on to that.

I was SOOOOO happy that he did though! 

Literally one of my favorite pictures! 

When he interviewed me I had made a deal with myself to try and hide dystonia from the store.

Including Craig.

When that didn't really work so well for me I thought I'll just tell him but it's not a big deal.

Cover up how you really are struggling with it all right now up.

Can I just say that I am so thankful I just couldn't. 

I have grown so much as a person in the time I have been at CFA in Muncie. 

When I first came I really thought he wasn't going to hire me because I couldn't hold still.

I wanted the job so badly so I told myself to keep holding still. 

Monday, I am sitting down with Craig again just doing my own thing. 

My body was trying to move all over the place. 

I have this really bad habit of grabbing the table or something and holding on tight so I can at least have a little control over the movements.

Craig "Chels...How much energy does that take to try and hold still?"

The whole time thinking "How does he know this?"

BUT then being so thankful he does notice because he gets the parts not a lot of people "get". 

Today, I got owned for eating a small fry and six chips last week. 

I mean I can't help it if CFA food is super good and right in front of me.

What was I suppose to do?

Look at it? 

I guess blood work is a too often thing while on the keto!

Before long they'll have all my blood. 

To whomever likes taking blood...You are gross! 

I literally about puke every time I see my blood moving. 

Oh how gross! 

I look to two years ago and it IS amazing the pathway the Lord has taken me on! 

Like his dreams have became MY dreams.

I am so glad that I am loved. 

But even more importantly I am so thankful for a friend like Craig who just "gets it!" 

Good thing I worked REALLY hard in speech therapy and physical therapy cause boy would I need it for God's plans! 

I literally thought he was done using me until September! 

Guess not :) 

Happy Wednesday Ya'll! 

Compassion goes a long ways

"Compassion is passion with a heart"

It's true. When Jesus plants you, you will grow just like a plant grows with water and care.

You will do the same. 

The last few weeks I can just feel Jesus growing me. Growing me to what he wants me to be. All that he wants me to be. 

I often tear up when I think about how Jesus has planted me. 

"Love is Viral" 

Craig 

Little did I know that my interview would be the start of something beautiful. 

"If your body needs to move then move!" 

Fast forward to last week. Moving and accidentally hitting Craig's computer. Seconds of him saying "If your body needs to move then you let it move!" 

It's OK. 

All my life I have heard "Why does she do that?" 

"Are you cold?" 

But never those words! 

Growing up I never dreamed that Jesus was molding me and growing me to be all that I can be.

A few weeks ago Pastor Matt said "The road might just get tough but Jesus will stick those people in your pathway to help you overcome it." 

Speaking of Pastor Matt...While he was in Muncie I was able to have a Chick-fil-a breakfast date with him. I was so excited for him to meet my amazing co-workers! 

Your right Pastor Matt, Jesus knows just who we need to help us overcome life's challenges. 

I am so glad he thought I was special enough to place you in that pathway!

This past week was hard. With a sweet "good-bye" to such a sweet friend today. 

Ending with a hug (Chick-fil-a has taught me well) and a "Thank you for being my friend!" 

What a beautiful hand made gift that is hanging in my house! 

Abby, I couldn't have asked for a sweeter friend then you! 

I am so glad Jesus allowed you to come into my life when he did. 

I can't wait to watch how he uses you! 

In the last few weeks we hosted our very first ever dystonia support group here in IN.

I am so thankful for the sweet passion Jesus has placed in my heart to help others with Dystonia. 

If I could take it away, I would but then I think why take something so beautiful away? Dystonia is beautiful.

It's not always pretty...in fact it's messy but beauty comes from the heart not the body! 

I come home one day last week to find this...

My eyes filling up with tears that someone would care enough to do this! 

When that someone is your amazing beautiful fourth grade teacher. Who had you in class years ago! She's still making an impact on my life yet today.

Teacher's who love to teach love their students even more! 

And for that I am grateful.

To end this blog post that is kinda everywhere...

This year's Hunt for a Cure is handing out awards to two deserving people/places.

This years awards are going to Chick-fil-a in Muncie, The Sample's

and to Trey Hollingworth! 

The compassion that these places/offices have had for dystonia and others this year have been more then we could have ever ask for! 

Please join us on September 29th to help us hand these two so deserving awards out! 

If you see them around make sure to thank them for supporting dystonia day in and day out. 

Come help us Hunt for the second year in hopes to finding a cure soon! 

"Dream big!"