That moment you realize you don't belong anywhere...

"I don't feel that I belong anywhere. Or rather, if there's a place I belong, I don't feel I'm there." 

When you wake up to a nasty rainy day outside. Your legs hurting. You know that this day will bring challenges that you don't want to face. Medicine you don't want to take but need. Checking your email to only find that your doctor has orded yet another spinal tap. My heart literally hurt reading the email...

Flashback to the first spinal tap that was done:

I went in thinking that we would for sure have answers. 

I went in scared but Jesus provided an amazing nurse who held my hand through it all.

A doctor that was so settle and who even said "Dr.Mike is a smart guy. He'll figure this out. Don't worry!"

Two weeks later...

I would be sitting at my desk while getting that call for results.

"Your results came back all normal. We are so sorry that this didn't give you any answers."

No words can explain the amount of pain that my heart felt. 

Later that day and little did I know that a small child would break me down while at snack.

"Miss.Chelsi do you get sad?"

"I do. Do you?"

"I do but can we pray?"

"Sure!"

"Dear Jesus help my doggy because he had a green heart and just died. I love him so much Jesus. Keep him safe until I see him again. I love you so much Jesus! Amen."

As I left teaching months ago and truly do believe Jesus was calling me other places. 

That place ended up being CFA. 

Fresh start. So much laughter and joy fills that building. 

Latley, I just don't know where my heart is. 

"What's your plans looking at ten years down the road?"

My answer this past weekend was "Chick-fil-a"

My response I got was "Your just going to stay at Chick-fil-a for the rest of your life? Great. So your going to be nothing in life is what your telling us?" 

"Chelsi guys aren't going to want to date you if your just settling at Chick-fil-a."

This past weekend I heard 

"I think I just want to be friends with you. Some guy will be very lucky to have you but I am not that lucky guy. Friends?"

"Sure, Friends!"

I am starting to think there is something really wrong with me. 

Dating is like the hardest. 

Anything medical is scary but then you take the unknown and that is even more scarier. 

I learned at an early age that life is a struggle.

I know that the right guy will choose Jesus over me anyday but love me even knowing the unknown.

Flashback:

When I was a first grader I remeber my parents coming into my room to talk to me about getting some testing done.

I'll never forget my Mom saying "We love you forever and always!" 

To this day she always ends a conversation with me like this. 

I just know at 26 years old that something isn't right health wise. I always knew I struggled in school. I had a LOT of friends but school itself was hard. I would sit on the floor rather then a desk a lot because my body would move so much. 

I remeber Mr.Luce saying 

"You do what you need to do to get through this class! You fight and you don't give up! You are the most stubborn student I've ever had but the toughest I've had. Keep fighting!"

So I did.

Sometimes, I had nothing more to give at the end of a school day. 

I knew that life would be hard after High School. 

I knew that I had zero doctors saying "You can do whatever you set your mind too." 

MORE LIKE "She can't do this. She won't be able to do that! She can't live like this..." 

Thank God for two parents who saw more in me...

Who said "You WILL get a job."

"You WILL drive."

"You WILL learn to live on your own."

I try not to call them too much or worry them much because I know it just makes my Mom upset. 

I just feel so lost in life right now. 

Drinks, carrying a tray, bagging, IS suppose to be easy. 

Yet I have never wanted to do those things so badly as I have these past two weeks. 

When going to the doctor. I said " I can't even remeber what goes in the bag...it's food. It should not be hard."

His reply "It is amazing to me that you are where you are. So what those things may always be hard. I literally haven't ever seen a patient like you. I thought you'd be unable to walk by now. Your speech was terrible when I first saw you. Now we can have a conversation! I literally am always amused by you."

I just want to say "Dude. fix me. Whatever you have to do just fix it."

When I have said that. I always get the SAME reply "I can't. I just can't. I don't even know what the hell you have. How can I fix what I don't know?"

My heart is like so confused right now. 

Do another spinal tap and get my heart broke yet again...cause that hurts bad.

Blood work knowing that we may never find anwsers...

I have felt so alone these last few weeks as I see more and more dystonia doesn't fully fit me. So what does?

Where do I belong?

I'm not even sure I can move forward with this Hunt...

I just feel so out of place in my life right now. 

Patience

                                                                    "Come as you are"

Being happy isn't always easy. Sometimes it takes a little bit of perspective, patience, and attitude adjustments. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails. 

These past few weeks have been every bit of being weak, being strong, being tough, and being emotional. I've always promised myself that if I am going to have a blog I am going to keep being honest but real at the same time.  

                                                                 Here it goes...

Number one:My anxiety level has been sky rocket. 

Number two:I have been missing teaching so much lately. 

Number three:Going through speech therapy, physical therapy, and TRYING to get into occupational therapy is just nothing short of being overwhelming. It isn't fixing dystonia totally and that frustrates me but at the same time I knew it wasn't a cure all. 

Number four:When my body flares I have a real hard time keeping my cool. I was a pre-school teacher. I fixed things from toys to tears on a daily basis but I am finding myself unable to fix my own problems. 

Number five:What is taking Jesus so long to return? Like I'm getting tired of the wait. Every time I turn around its a "Be patient Chelsi" OR a "I know the waiting is hard". No. It's just annoying. 

 My favorite part of teaching was always the thousands of pictures I would come home with each day.

              My Mom texted me today and said that one of the littles made me a picture today! 

                      Little did that little one know it is just what I needed to make my day. 

        My favorite part of being a toddler and preschool teacher was the love they had for everyone. 

Sweetest story:When a parent comes to pick up their child and stops to say "My child prayed for you last night on her hands and knees. I'm not sure what for but she said "Jesus knows mommy!" Come to find out that little four year old was praying that I would feel better. 

    While my heart isn't in teaching daily like it once was I have found myself missing the "Miss.Chelsi!" a thousand times a day. The "I wove you Miss.Chelsi!" at least ten times a day! The little giggles or the "Miss.Chelsi I want to pray! She always gets to pray. Can I?" My heart<3

                       I am thankful that Jesus has placed my heart at Chick-fil-a. 

I am thankful that I am loved there. I am thankful for bosses who love Jesus. Who stop to pray with me. I am thankful for the little things like this in life. 

I get to be around people daily. I love people. I love that no person is the same in this life. I love that Jesus has grown me so much since being with CFA. 

                                    Sweetest story:My interview with the owner. 

The times that the senior team leads like Alexis, Rachel, and Mckenzie have all taken time out to just love me right where I am. I am so imperfect and they see past that imperfection. How thankful I am. 

I know that I could go to them and tell them anything in this world and still get the reply "Love you Chels!" This last month was such a struggle and in that time of struggle I knew that I had so many praying for me. Including supporting me in flying miles away to Washington even after I missed work a few weeks before due to dystonia. 

The last few weeks my heart has been in question of staying a host for the scavenger hunt in the state of Indiana. That's my baby but somedays I just get so overwhelmed by it all and think to myself "I'm not making a difference. There is no cure. What am I doing?" I want nothing else to see a cure for the little people. Sometimes, I just feel like what I am doing isn't enough. 

I with two others are hosting the very first dystonia support group this weekend. While I am excited I am also on the struggle bus with it all. Growing up there was nothing like this. We knew no one with dystonia...even when I got diagnosed. I am not so sure that I am ready to re live the struggles we faced growing up this next weekend.
                     15 families have joined and will be joining us in Indy Sunday afternoon for this.
My prayer is in this that others (weather it's parents, teenagers, children, adults, grandparents) will know the moment they walk in and some of us meet one another for the first time they will know they aren't alone. 

             
 My little lunch date Tuesday asked me "Chelsi why do you move a lot?" 

              A part of me didn't know how to answer that question but knew I needed too. 

I said "Dystonia. It's goofy isn't it?!" Thinking she would agree but instead says "Does it hurt?"

            I quickly said "Somedays." The little one said "You need a nap then!"

                                              "Stonia is like mean but get mean back ok?!" 

                                    When you want the truth about life just talk to a child! 

Last week Indy called and I have an appointment with a movement disorder doctor in May. I know that sadly there is no cure but I just can't help but to be scared of what I might hear. That "There is nothing else we can do" hurts. I really struggle with communication. Shocker! I know but in all seriousness It's not that I mean to struggle with it on purpose. I just struggle with it. Weakness of mine for sure! I am preparing myself so I can actually talk to this doctor in a way he will understand where my struggles lay. In hopes he can guide us on those flare up days a little better. 

                Somedays. Some weeks. I struggle. This would be one of those weeks.

          This has been MY jam this week in the mist of questioning my leadership skills.
             I want to lead like Jesus but this week I have felt so just not good at anything...