Pot holes in the road

"Normality is a paved road:

It's comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow."

You know that feeling when you hit a pot hole and just close your eyes for a hot second thinking "Please tell me that didn't pop my tire!" 

Last week I must have hit every hole their was in the road...

I feel like that at times with dystonia.

My body gets so tired but I know I have to keep going! 

Sometimes, I think the Lord is teaching me patience. 

Patience with myself. Patience with his timing. 

Since I was a little girl and started going through doctor's my prayer would always be for someone (anyone) to just "get it". 

Get the daily struggles.

To get the emotions that come along with any chronic illness.

To see past my outside body.

I literally get so emotional just thinking about this answered prayer!

20 years later.

Literally this time last year I had NO clue what God was pre-paring me for.

I had no clue that I would leave MY dream job.

Only to enter into what the Lord's dream was for me. 

When I first came to CFA I really thought with my whole heart that it was just going to be a second income...but the more I started working there after teaching I realized this was were my heart was at!

It's where I could struggle. 

It's where I could be weak. It's where I could cry. 

I never thought the Lord could change my heart so quickly like he did.

A couple weeks ago the owner, Craig stood near by.

Anytime his sugar drops his pump goes off...which in return has the whole store worried.

I hear "Stupid diabetes!"

I laugh because I feel the SAME way about dystonia somedays.

It was that sweet reminder that I wasn't alone.

He then kinda just giggled that he said that out loud. 

This past Sunday was deep clean Sunday. 

Let's be honest. Towards the end I was struggling.

I was carrying a table and of course Craig jumps in to help carry the other end.

I was trying so hard to hold still.

My body just wasn't having me turn to the left side to look so whatever! 

Hello right side. 

I hear "There you go! Use your good side."

I literally was caught off guard.

No one usually catches on to that! Heck most doctor's don't even catch on to that.

I was SOOOOO happy that he did though! 

Literally one of my favorite pictures! 

When he interviewed me I had made a deal with myself to try and hide dystonia from the store.

Including Craig.

When that didn't really work so well for me I thought I'll just tell him but it's not a big deal.

Cover up how you really are struggling with it all right now up.

Can I just say that I am so thankful I just couldn't. 

I have grown so much as a person in the time I have been at CFA in Muncie. 

When I first came I really thought he wasn't going to hire me because I couldn't hold still.

I wanted the job so badly so I told myself to keep holding still. 

Monday, I am sitting down with Craig again just doing my own thing. 

My body was trying to move all over the place. 

I have this really bad habit of grabbing the table or something and holding on tight so I can at least have a little control over the movements.

Craig "Chels...How much energy does that take to try and hold still?"

The whole time thinking "How does he know this?"

BUT then being so thankful he does notice because he gets the parts not a lot of people "get". 

Today, I got owned for eating a small fry and six chips last week. 

I mean I can't help it if CFA food is super good and right in front of me.

What was I suppose to do?

Look at it? 

I guess blood work is a too often thing while on the keto!

Before long they'll have all my blood. 

To whomever likes taking blood...You are gross! 

I literally about puke every time I see my blood moving. 

Oh how gross! 

I look to two years ago and it IS amazing the pathway the Lord has taken me on! 

Like his dreams have became MY dreams.

I am so glad that I am loved. 

But even more importantly I am so thankful for a friend like Craig who just "gets it!" 

Good thing I worked REALLY hard in speech therapy and physical therapy cause boy would I need it for God's plans! 

I literally thought he was done using me until September! 

Guess not :) 

Happy Wednesday Ya'll! 

Compassion goes a long ways

"Compassion is passion with a heart"

It's true. When Jesus plants you, you will grow just like a plant grows with water and care.

You will do the same. 

The last few weeks I can just feel Jesus growing me. Growing me to what he wants me to be. All that he wants me to be. 

I often tear up when I think about how Jesus has planted me. 

"Love is Viral" 

Craig 

Little did I know that my interview would be the start of something beautiful. 

"If your body needs to move then move!" 

Fast forward to last week. Moving and accidentally hitting Craig's computer. Seconds of him saying "If your body needs to move then you let it move!" 

It's OK. 

All my life I have heard "Why does she do that?" 

"Are you cold?" 

But never those words! 

Growing up I never dreamed that Jesus was molding me and growing me to be all that I can be.

A few weeks ago Pastor Matt said "The road might just get tough but Jesus will stick those people in your pathway to help you overcome it." 

Speaking of Pastor Matt...While he was in Muncie I was able to have a Chick-fil-a breakfast date with him. I was so excited for him to meet my amazing co-workers! 

Your right Pastor Matt, Jesus knows just who we need to help us overcome life's challenges. 

I am so glad he thought I was special enough to place you in that pathway!

This past week was hard. With a sweet "good-bye" to such a sweet friend today. 

Ending with a hug (Chick-fil-a has taught me well) and a "Thank you for being my friend!" 

What a beautiful hand made gift that is hanging in my house! 

Abby, I couldn't have asked for a sweeter friend then you! 

I am so glad Jesus allowed you to come into my life when he did. 

I can't wait to watch how he uses you! 

In the last few weeks we hosted our very first ever dystonia support group here in IN.

I am so thankful for the sweet passion Jesus has placed in my heart to help others with Dystonia. 

If I could take it away, I would but then I think why take something so beautiful away? Dystonia is beautiful.

It's not always pretty...in fact it's messy but beauty comes from the heart not the body! 

I come home one day last week to find this...

My eyes filling up with tears that someone would care enough to do this! 

When that someone is your amazing beautiful fourth grade teacher. Who had you in class years ago! She's still making an impact on my life yet today.

Teacher's who love to teach love their students even more! 

And for that I am grateful.

To end this blog post that is kinda everywhere...

This year's Hunt for a Cure is handing out awards to two deserving people/places.

This years awards are going to Chick-fil-a in Muncie, The Sample's

and to Trey Hollingworth! 

The compassion that these places/offices have had for dystonia and others this year have been more then we could have ever ask for! 

Please join us on September 29th to help us hand these two so deserving awards out! 

If you see them around make sure to thank them for supporting dystonia day in and day out. 

Come help us Hunt for the second year in hopes to finding a cure soon! 

"Dream big!" 

  

That moment you realize you don't belong anywhere...

"I don't feel that I belong anywhere. Or rather, if there's a place I belong, I don't feel I'm there." 

When you wake up to a nasty rainy day outside. Your legs hurting. You know that this day will bring challenges that you don't want to face. Medicine you don't want to take but need. Checking your email to only find that your doctor has orded yet another spinal tap. My heart literally hurt reading the email...

Flashback to the first spinal tap that was done:

I went in thinking that we would for sure have answers. 

I went in scared but Jesus provided an amazing nurse who held my hand through it all.

A doctor that was so settle and who even said "Dr.Mike is a smart guy. He'll figure this out. Don't worry!"

Two weeks later...

I would be sitting at my desk while getting that call for results.

"Your results came back all normal. We are so sorry that this didn't give you any answers."

No words can explain the amount of pain that my heart felt. 

Later that day and little did I know that a small child would break me down while at snack.

"Miss.Chelsi do you get sad?"

"I do. Do you?"

"I do but can we pray?"

"Sure!"

"Dear Jesus help my doggy because he had a green heart and just died. I love him so much Jesus. Keep him safe until I see him again. I love you so much Jesus! Amen."

As I left teaching months ago and truly do believe Jesus was calling me other places. 

That place ended up being CFA. 

Fresh start. So much laughter and joy fills that building. 

Latley, I just don't know where my heart is. 

"What's your plans looking at ten years down the road?"

My answer this past weekend was "Chick-fil-a"

My response I got was "Your just going to stay at Chick-fil-a for the rest of your life? Great. So your going to be nothing in life is what your telling us?" 

"Chelsi guys aren't going to want to date you if your just settling at Chick-fil-a."

This past weekend I heard 

"I think I just want to be friends with you. Some guy will be very lucky to have you but I am not that lucky guy. Friends?"

"Sure, Friends!"

I am starting to think there is something really wrong with me. 

Dating is like the hardest. 

Anything medical is scary but then you take the unknown and that is even more scarier. 

I learned at an early age that life is a struggle.

I know that the right guy will choose Jesus over me anyday but love me even knowing the unknown.

Flashback:

When I was a first grader I remeber my parents coming into my room to talk to me about getting some testing done.

I'll never forget my Mom saying "We love you forever and always!" 

To this day she always ends a conversation with me like this. 

I just know at 26 years old that something isn't right health wise. I always knew I struggled in school. I had a LOT of friends but school itself was hard. I would sit on the floor rather then a desk a lot because my body would move so much. 

I remeber Mr.Luce saying 

"You do what you need to do to get through this class! You fight and you don't give up! You are the most stubborn student I've ever had but the toughest I've had. Keep fighting!"

So I did.

Sometimes, I had nothing more to give at the end of a school day. 

I knew that life would be hard after High School. 

I knew that I had zero doctors saying "You can do whatever you set your mind too." 

MORE LIKE "She can't do this. She won't be able to do that! She can't live like this..." 

Thank God for two parents who saw more in me...

Who said "You WILL get a job."

"You WILL drive."

"You WILL learn to live on your own."

I try not to call them too much or worry them much because I know it just makes my Mom upset. 

I just feel so lost in life right now. 

Drinks, carrying a tray, bagging, IS suppose to be easy. 

Yet I have never wanted to do those things so badly as I have these past two weeks. 

When going to the doctor. I said " I can't even remeber what goes in the bag...it's food. It should not be hard."

His reply "It is amazing to me that you are where you are. So what those things may always be hard. I literally haven't ever seen a patient like you. I thought you'd be unable to walk by now. Your speech was terrible when I first saw you. Now we can have a conversation! I literally am always amused by you."

I just want to say "Dude. fix me. Whatever you have to do just fix it."

When I have said that. I always get the SAME reply "I can't. I just can't. I don't even know what the hell you have. How can I fix what I don't know?"

My heart is like so confused right now. 

Do another spinal tap and get my heart broke yet again...cause that hurts bad.

Blood work knowing that we may never find anwsers...

I have felt so alone these last few weeks as I see more and more dystonia doesn't fully fit me. So what does?

Where do I belong?

I'm not even sure I can move forward with this Hunt...

I just feel so out of place in my life right now. 

Patience

                                                                    "Come as you are"

Being happy isn't always easy. Sometimes it takes a little bit of perspective, patience, and attitude adjustments. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails. 

These past few weeks have been every bit of being weak, being strong, being tough, and being emotional. I've always promised myself that if I am going to have a blog I am going to keep being honest but real at the same time.  

                                                                 Here it goes...

Number one:My anxiety level has been sky rocket. 

Number two:I have been missing teaching so much lately. 

Number three:Going through speech therapy, physical therapy, and TRYING to get into occupational therapy is just nothing short of being overwhelming. It isn't fixing dystonia totally and that frustrates me but at the same time I knew it wasn't a cure all. 

Number four:When my body flares I have a real hard time keeping my cool. I was a pre-school teacher. I fixed things from toys to tears on a daily basis but I am finding myself unable to fix my own problems. 

Number five:What is taking Jesus so long to return? Like I'm getting tired of the wait. Every time I turn around its a "Be patient Chelsi" OR a "I know the waiting is hard". No. It's just annoying. 

 My favorite part of teaching was always the thousands of pictures I would come home with each day.

              My Mom texted me today and said that one of the littles made me a picture today! 

                      Little did that little one know it is just what I needed to make my day. 

        My favorite part of being a toddler and preschool teacher was the love they had for everyone. 

Sweetest story:When a parent comes to pick up their child and stops to say "My child prayed for you last night on her hands and knees. I'm not sure what for but she said "Jesus knows mommy!" Come to find out that little four year old was praying that I would feel better. 

    While my heart isn't in teaching daily like it once was I have found myself missing the "Miss.Chelsi!" a thousand times a day. The "I wove you Miss.Chelsi!" at least ten times a day! The little giggles or the "Miss.Chelsi I want to pray! She always gets to pray. Can I?" My heart<3

                       I am thankful that Jesus has placed my heart at Chick-fil-a. 

I am thankful that I am loved there. I am thankful for bosses who love Jesus. Who stop to pray with me. I am thankful for the little things like this in life. 

I get to be around people daily. I love people. I love that no person is the same in this life. I love that Jesus has grown me so much since being with CFA. 

                                    Sweetest story:My interview with the owner. 

The times that the senior team leads like Alexis, Rachel, and Mckenzie have all taken time out to just love me right where I am. I am so imperfect and they see past that imperfection. How thankful I am. 

I know that I could go to them and tell them anything in this world and still get the reply "Love you Chels!" This last month was such a struggle and in that time of struggle I knew that I had so many praying for me. Including supporting me in flying miles away to Washington even after I missed work a few weeks before due to dystonia. 

The last few weeks my heart has been in question of staying a host for the scavenger hunt in the state of Indiana. That's my baby but somedays I just get so overwhelmed by it all and think to myself "I'm not making a difference. There is no cure. What am I doing?" I want nothing else to see a cure for the little people. Sometimes, I just feel like what I am doing isn't enough. 

I with two others are hosting the very first dystonia support group this weekend. While I am excited I am also on the struggle bus with it all. Growing up there was nothing like this. We knew no one with dystonia...even when I got diagnosed. I am not so sure that I am ready to re live the struggles we faced growing up this next weekend.
                     15 families have joined and will be joining us in Indy Sunday afternoon for this.
My prayer is in this that others (weather it's parents, teenagers, children, adults, grandparents) will know the moment they walk in and some of us meet one another for the first time they will know they aren't alone. 

             
 My little lunch date Tuesday asked me "Chelsi why do you move a lot?" 

              A part of me didn't know how to answer that question but knew I needed too. 

I said "Dystonia. It's goofy isn't it?!" Thinking she would agree but instead says "Does it hurt?"

            I quickly said "Somedays." The little one said "You need a nap then!"

                                              "Stonia is like mean but get mean back ok?!" 

                                    When you want the truth about life just talk to a child! 

Last week Indy called and I have an appointment with a movement disorder doctor in May. I know that sadly there is no cure but I just can't help but to be scared of what I might hear. That "There is nothing else we can do" hurts. I really struggle with communication. Shocker! I know but in all seriousness It's not that I mean to struggle with it on purpose. I just struggle with it. Weakness of mine for sure! I am preparing myself so I can actually talk to this doctor in a way he will understand where my struggles lay. In hopes he can guide us on those flare up days a little better. 

                Somedays. Some weeks. I struggle. This would be one of those weeks.

          This has been MY jam this week in the mist of questioning my leadership skills.
             I want to lead like Jesus but this week I have felt so just not good at anything...

BE the voice

Everyone has a voice but it's up to each of you how you decide to USE it.

What a week. I think I am still overwhelmed at where the Lord has taken me in this journey. A journey that seemed to be impossible just a year ago. A journey that hasn't been easy. Impossible is only impossible when your not willing. 

It started with our beautiful plane ride to Washington. THAT reminder that HE still cares about the little things. The beauty of our world and all the GOOD it does have to offer.

Inhale courage.

Exhale fear.

Flashback to when I was a High Schooler who wouldn't even raise my hand to say one word. 

You'd never know that today! 

I am thankful for the battle Jesus fights for me. 

I am thankful for the strength he allows me to have through this journey.

I am thankful for the job that I am at who stood behind me in this mission.

I am thankful to have had a friend and co-worker like Jayla to stand beside me in Washington.

Our trip in Washington started with meeting up with Anne and Jason.

Jason has dystonia just like myself. 

I had the honor of meeting them three years ago and fell in love with both him and his wife.

Throughout the year Anne has been my saving grace. 

To have others that understand without saying a word means the world. 

We walked over ten miles Sunday with a couple breaks! 

I was so proud of myself.

A couple times where my balance was rough but no worries because Anne had my back.

We learned how beautiful history is. 

How real it is.

There is just something about being with dystonia family that fills my heart.

Which makes the goodbyes and see you laters so much harder.

Lets just say we had an early bedtime Sunday.

Monday came and we were at exploring once again. 

Later that evening we would met up with others that would be flying in for Dystonia.

Dale Dirks who just doesn't get enough credit really fights for dystonia on the hill daily. 

Making this week possible.

His passion to help others is so inspiring. 

If your in the Washington area look him up because he is super! 

The Thompson family.

This is such a one in a kind family! 

I call them my Washington family because Dan and Jean took me in as one of their own my very first year.

Our team for this year!

Victory never felt so good. At the end of a long day filled of meetings with state senators.

The weather had turned into a rainy cloudy day BUT that didn't stop us. 

Dystonia is like that on days but the strength the Lord has given us is by far stronger then ANY storm could ever bring.

So bring it Dystonia because together we have this.

Get'em and make them listen...even if it's in the hall way. 

Thanks Massie!

People always ask "Who was your favorite?"

"What meeting was the most successful?"

My answer this year:

ALL OF THEM.

Senator Todd Young

Trey was amazing! He set down with us for about 25-30 minutes.

GO INDIANA! 

After a very long successful day we flew back just in time before the storm came through. Our plane ride was rough coming home but we made it safe and sound.

Thursday, Jayla and I got to have lunch with our store owner. 

Sharing all the places we went.

He asked both of us what our favorite thing was about the trip.

Both Jayla and I answered "Helping others. Seeing that passion in others as well and knowing our voice matters."

While I was away I realized how blessed I am to have a job that I am so in love with.

A owner that truly cares.

A owner who set down and prayed with us.

That is so rare in todays world.

I am beyond thankful for him. 

Who loves past dystonia.

Who sees people for who they are. 

I realized yesterday as yesterday was my first day back to work since last Saturday how loved and wanted I really am.

The many who stopped and said "Washington looked fun but the reason behind it is so cool Chelsi!"

That moment your getting ready to go get ice cream with some of your co-workers after work to catch up...

Before stopping to give your boss a hug and thank them for allowing you to take off to go!

His reply being "Thank you for going and helping others! I'm glad you had fun but glad your back with us." 

GUYS. BE THAT voice that others so need in this world.

Putting Jesus in the center. 

The rain may hit BUT you are stronger then any storm you may face! 

We also found out a few days ago that dystonia made the DOD list for the 2019 year!!!

GO JESUS, GO!!!

What a bittersweet reminder...

"I praise you because I AM fearfully and wonderfully made."

Psalm 139:14

I often wonder what Jesus was thinking when he was creating me?

Did he know the struggles I would soon face?

The mountains that I would have to climb?

Let me take a step back for a moment. 

All my life I have known nothing else but doctors,tests, and medication trials...I remember being in first grade and the doctors asking for a brain scan. 

I really didn't understand what was happening. I recall my parents coming into my room a week or so before and sitting on my bed telling me that they decided to get some tests ran. I think the only thing I remember my Mom saying was "It'll be ok my sweet girl!" 

I will never forget the moment I had a brain scan done. The nurse held my hand so tightly and did not leave my side. 

I thought at that moment I was done with testing. 

Only to find out that was just the start of our journey that would really test our faith in Jesus.

The last few weeks have been extremely tough. 

I should be use to tough but I think I missed the memo a year ago when the doctor's said "There is nothing more we can do. We ARE sorry..."

So much easier to ignore what you don't want to hear or admit. 

My famous quote in any doctor's office was always "Please just fix me. Please!"

In every single moment of this journey Jesus been there with me.

I have laid in the hospital bed in tears before just begging Jesus to come back soon.

The many of times I have felt so unloveable.

But still Jesus loves me.

Last week we ended up in the ER...

Last week was so real to me.

That reminder of "There is nothing more anyone can do."

When you see a text from your boss (Craig) that asks "How can I help?"

You want to reply "Fix me, please." 

However, You know that's an unfair request to ask. 

You see the MANY faces around Chick-fil-a that are right there going through this with you! 

You see the tears fill in others eyes and you know they're hurting for you.

One afternoon Craig asked everyone this question that threw us to think on a deeper level.

"Are you a thermometer or a thermostat?"

I really thought he was a crazy person when he first asked me this question so randomly one day.

But then when I was in the ER last week with a thermometer in my mouth I kinda had to laugh because it was at THAT moment I understood in a deep way that I hadn't before.

A thermometer you can't change. It is what it is. 

A thermostat you decide what the temperature is going to be. 

Kinda like Dystonia.

It is what it is. I can't change that fact.

But like a thermostat I can decide what to do with that. 

This picture makes my heart so full. 

Especially tonight after a emotionally drained day...

This morning two doctors declined our case because of it being so complex.

My first reaction was "Come on Jesus! Do your part because I am doing mine. Stupid doctors. Stupid Dystonia. Stupid world."

I am not a crier because I was always raised 

"Knock it off. Get tough and do it!"

But here in the last serval weeks I have cried more then I ever have in my whole life.

Asking Jesus all the "why's"

All the "There are people who don't even love you and their health is great but I love you and my health is a struggle. Really!?!" 

I walked into work today to Craig giving me a hug followed by Maisen giving me a hug. Little did they know it is just what I needed to get through another day.

My work night ended the way I think Jesus had planned...

No where like the empty playroom to have a Jesus talk with two of your amazing co-workers. Sharing your heart and hearing 

"Chelsi. We're more worried about you then ourselves. Our hearts break with you and for you! How do you think we feel when there isn't anything we can do to make dystonia go away?"

"Yeah Chelsi. Your going to come out even stronger then what you went into this as! Maybe the Lord is showing you to cling to him more."

"Your not alone in this. You have a whole team."

"Prayer changes things!"

"We have a Dystonia scavenger Hunt to get ready for and together we'll do this!" 

"It's not just changed your heart...but ours too Chels."

"Would you really be here if it weren't for dystonia? Our paths may have never crossed if it wasn't for this journey."

I come home to a dark apartment where this letter was sitting on my table. I open to see that it is from my fourth grade teacher. Inside laid a check. I stood there in tears just thanking Jesus for tonight. 

The Lord knows what we need more then what we need. 

I am getting ready to fly miles away to fight for a cure for Dystonia on Capitol Hill.

What a beautiful reminder to the love Jesus has for us. In those times of heartbreaks, of struggles, and telling ourselves we aren't lovable. 

Please pray that this next week makes a difference in others life's. 

That Jesus shines through me.

In the end I'm not sure what Jesus has in store but I know that one day he will make my body brand new again. 

Until that day I pray that others will know they are so lovable. 

That Jesus sees people for their hearts.

I hope this week ya'll do the same! 

Make it YOUR mission.

Make it your mission to give someone a hug.

It really means the world when your going through tough times.

I promise.

A year later and I am just now realizing...

                       "But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty."

                                                                       

   Those times that you want nothing more then for your body to just stand still. To hold still. To not jerk. The moments you look down at your phone to see Mom again..."Are you ok? I'm so sorry your dystonia has been a struggle. I wish I could take it for you. I love you!" 

Let me be honest. I have went from being frustrated to angry. To realizing I have no control over when I move and when I don't. Which lets be honest drives me crazy! 

Taking a step back into time. My mindset this time last year was "We will put a simulator in and call it done. No more dystonia." I sometimes laugh at how crazy that mindset was but I had so much hope for a cure then. While I still have hope that one day the future generation will see a cure it's really hard to keep my eye and heart on this. 

                               Those moments where your asking Jesus all the "Why's?" 

  1.)Dating:

Remember that one date that you where asked a million questions about why your body moves? That was such a fun date...Let me answer more questions since that is the first thing you see in me. 

2.)Those times you blank completely out but have no idea why or even what causes it? It always ends up in "we don't know". 

3.)Those times you want to push and work as hard as you can but your body is on the struggle bus...BUT then you know there are people out in this world who have healthy bodies that don't work nor want too. Like how is that even close to being fair? I'd take their healthy body and push and push. 

4.) Why is chronic illness come with anxiety? Like I never know from day to day how I am going to feel or what dystonia may bring to my body. 

5.)That time where you suck your pride and make yourself go through speech therapy. Thinking "Man I did this and I can't wait for the doctor to say your speech sounds awesome! Speech complete." Only for them to say "It takes time. Keep going!" What? Why? 

        From day one when I started blogging I promised myself to be honest in each post I blogged. 

There are crappy days that make me want to give up! To say "Dystonia you win!" 

In the last few days I have felt so frustrated with myself. Asking myself "Why can't you control your body? It is YOUR body Chelsi." I have fought it daily this week. Wanting no one around me or near me. 

I can only handle so much "There is nothing else we can do. We are sorry." Do something! Fix it. Research it more. Do something so that not another human goes through this or feels this way. Your the doctors. And also very human at that...

I came home tonight to only find myself struggling to get dressed. Like come on! At 26 years old this shouldn't even be a struggle...and then when it is I get so frustrated and just stand there thinking that will make things better. Ha. Guys Getting mad doesn't help things but only makes it harder so I am learning. 

Then I am sitting in bed and this picture comes up on time hop and I remember that this was a few weeks after our rough results with a spinal tap. Somehow she makes everything ok!

Not once has she not been by my side. Not once has she ever complained. 

I know that Jesus knew what he was doing to allow her to be MY Mom. 

This time last year we were sitting on the couch when she said very slowly with tears in her eyes "I'm sorry sister. There isn't anything else we can do. Sometimes we don't understand Jesus's ways but we have to trust their good." 

I thought that I was OK with no answers. 

I kinda just skipped that no answers part until about a month ago. 

It hit me that there really wasn't a cure yet. 

That dystonia is just what it is. 

Tough.

A year later and I am just NOW realizing that this is reality. 

It is by far the hardest thing to remember that you are loved when you just feel so defeated. 

Welcome to David and Goliath. 

A part of me feels like I know how David must have felt before his battle ended in victory. 

Sometimes, I pull these out to just read. To remind myself Jesus uses the tough stuff for his glory. To remind myself giving up would be easy but fighting it head on will always be there harder one.  But the one worth wild.

I'm so thankful that when I feel so crappy about myself that Jesus still loves me. 

"Sometimes God will put a Goliath in your life so you can find the David within you." 

Sharing my heart

                                 Lately my heart has hurt for the things I can’t change.
This past week has marked a year since having to let health be. For the past few weeks I have struggled with that. Struggled with the fear of letting Jesus just have it all. I’ve always felt the need to be in control of what I’ve never been in control over. This past week I’ve been reminded of the full journey. The full uncomfortableness of sharing with the world such a personal testimony.

This week I was faced with the uncomfortableness of reading a book to all the kindergarteners. I must have told myself and Craig a million times I couldn’t do it. I guess you could say I was setting myself up to fail before I even knew how Jesus was going to work Friday morning.

                             We really never know what Jesus is up too for our life’s..

A year ago this would’ve never happened. You learn to appreciate being in the moment more when you’ve been taken to a moment completely opposite of this one. 

Last Tuesday before this happened Craig and I were suppose to have a meeting. Something came up where we had to have it over the phone. 

Sometimes, Jesus allows different plans because he knows exactly what we need! 

I always listen when Craig talks because he’s a wise man. Each time I learn something new from him about just life in general. 

On this particular day I was wrestling in God’s word. Knowing Jesus loves me daily. Dystonia or no Dystonia but feeling like I’ll just never be “good enough”. 

If there is one thing Craig said over the phone that hit home to me was this 

“It’s ok to hurt or feel disappointment because that means you care. Don’t stay there too long because it will crimple you. You keep going!” 

See, I needed this pep talk...little did he know! 

I had mentioned all week me wanting him to be there at the school Friday! I however knew it might not happen because of his busy schedule. 

Not only did he show up but he stayed the whole time! Which may seem little to anyone else but that completely made my week! 

If you don’t have a boss like this...well your missing out cause it’s rare! 

I did it! I read the story and by no means was it perfect but the fact that I did it was huge! 

Flashback:I was in 8th grade and it took me 20-30 minuets to just read a paragraph out loud in class due to my dystonia. 

I’ve watched Jesus break my heart for what breaks his this past week. 

I’ve watched Jesus work in my life the last year! 

Sometimes you just have to celebrate with a dance party! 

My heart was pulled in so many directions this week! 

Today, Mekale prayed with me during church. Who would’ve thought that had I not lost control of my speech I probably wouldn’t ever be at Chick-fil-A or know Mekale. It really is a testimony to God’s love for me. 

I’m not sure anyone can say that their speech therapist prayed with them let alone just loving me. 

This afternoon Dystonia has really hurt physically. 

Tonight has also been emotional knowing I’m not in control of my life but Jesus is. To have a heart to heart chat with Jesus about all the why’s and scary things. 

I think he understood :) 

Also, this week has taught me one of the most important lessons. That is that God allows unfair things to happen. He allows us to struggle. 

But his love for us never fades. 

I ended my Sunday evening giving Jesus Dystonia fully this week! 

Doctors,  Thanks for challenging me and telling me I’d never be able to do things that I just did this week! #Boom 

The sky is the limit, right Craig?! 

I’m looking forward to this week and all Jesus has in store! 

I’m glad that HE knows my heart better then I know my own heart. I never knew how much I needed Craig and Mekale this past week! 

Sometimes loving someone is all it takes...

Have an amazing week everyone!!